You don't think I am serious.

So, I love how my parents don't think I'm serious about California. They don't seem to understand that I do not possess even the smallest, most thin strand of sarcasm in my words when I say that that is where I am going to go for college. I don't care if they don't give me any money, I will take out student loans and save what I can for other expenses. I will get a damn job if I have to and I will study my fucking ass off. I do not care if it sounds impossible, I will do it.

The other funny thing is that my mom keeps saying "we [speaking for the three of us; herself, my dad, and I] don't want to send you that far or have you study that far away from home." When she said that earlier today, I pointed out that she was saying that because they want to be able to visit me and she said yes. Then I said that going to college was not about visiting and pow-wowing with my freaking family, it was about getting a good education and a setting up a solid career. I was like "I understand that it is important and relevant to see your family every once in a while, but that is not the point of college. You guys need to learn to let go of your children when you need to. I can live with seeing you guys just 4 or 5 times a year." And thens he was talking about how it would be easier to see me if I went to school in Boston or PA or something, and I said no, because it would ony be a matter of a few hours more to come see me in California. And then we got onto the point of finances for college. She pointed out that in the end, money didn't matter whether I went to school on the northern east coast or wet coast, because they ended up equaling each other. The tuition is more in PA or Boston, and tickets are cheaper, whereas the tuition is less in CA but the tickets are more, and I said that that didn't matter, because if I went to school in CA and got the job I wanted under NASA, then all of that money would come back to her and my dad in the end. She also said that them not wanting me to go to CA had nothing to do with money, and I said that she was wrong because my dad still uses that as a reason.

I don't understand why they cannot let me live and lead my own life when they have already lived and lead theirs. I told my dad the other day that he cannot be the puppaterr of my life afer high school, and that he could just try to control it and me, and he goes "I will. Haha. Watch me, I will." And I just sat there and looked at him and gave a sardonic laugh. I can't understand why they can't grasp that this is not about what THEY want, it's about ME, and MY LIFE. If that sounds selfish, then I honestly don't fucking care, and if they think that this is about what they want, then that is TOO FUCKING BAD. They really think that I won't up-and-out if they try to tell me that I will not school in California if I get accepted. I swear to every god of every religion, the only thing holding me back is the factor of money. I don't have money, therefore, I am unable to just leave. I don't need my phone, and I only a car to get me to some other car. I know how to hot wire most common cars like Toyotas, Hondas, and Dodges. That has more to do with running away than just leaving though. If I had some cash though, then I would just walk out of the front door and not look back for years. I can live without talking to my fucking asshole family for a while. Trust me, it wouldn't be all too hard. Yes, I am aware that that sounds excessively bitter and naive, but after a number of years of being ignored, not taken seriously, over-protected, controlled, and of having nobody care about what the hell you want, it is seriously NOT hard to not want to talk to your family for a really long time.

I was just thinking the other day; if my parents really don't give me money for tuition for going to school in CA, then that will make me want to work even harder and succeed. And when I do succeed greatly, and when I do own nice cars and a nice house with a good family and whatnot, I will call my father and tell him "Well, gee, look where I am now. And I got here without your help. I did this all on my own from the day I left to now. And you used to tell me that I would never get past anything but a fucking Community College." Well, fuck you, is basically how I feel.

Lately, I have been wishing and thinking that right now would be a prime time to be able to go back to being 5 years old, when I could just scream "I HATE YOU" and turn away without looking back for the rest of the night.

I'm not done with this post, but I'm getting sleepy, so, this is all for now.










Whatever...




--V.