Rant

I feel a little bit better than I did in my last post. That doesn't mean that life has gotten any better, I've just taken a new outlook on things and how I should do them if I really am going to get out of here.

The thing that disappoints me though, is that I still don't feel motivated enough. I still feel like I need some big, fat push.... someone to give me one last shove into it and say 'do it or leave it, it's your life.' The odd thing is that this feeling of not caring has only been recent, maybe reaching into the past couple of months. Before, I never used to be so unmotivated. If I said I was going to do something, I did it, no matter what it was. I don;t know if overall this is a good or bad thing, but for this particular situation, it's bad, because I do want to get out of here. Because of that, I keep saying to myself 'PROVE IT', and yet still, I'm not proving anything. It makes me think that something inside of me doesn't want it as bad as I thought.... but how can that be true if all of this moves me to tears? If I can feel it in my heart, then I do want it.

My personal declaration: I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for love. That in itself should keep me going for a very long time. And I won't take no for an answer.

I've recently realized that I need to come up with a back-up plan in case things don't go the way I wanted them to with UC Berkeley or UCLA. But what? I need to come up with such a solid reason.

..Hmm...... off to thinking. I'll write again either when I'm pissed, bored, or really happy. Till then, peace easy.

--V