Rant

I feel a little bit better than I did in my last post. That doesn't mean that life has gotten any better, I've just taken a new outlook on things and how I should do them if I really am going to get out of here.

The thing that disappoints me though, is that I still don't feel motivated enough. I still feel like I need some big, fat push.... someone to give me one last shove into it and say 'do it or leave it, it's your life.' The odd thing is that this feeling of not caring has only been recent, maybe reaching into the past couple of months. Before, I never used to be so unmotivated. If I said I was going to do something, I did it, no matter what it was. I don;t know if overall this is a good or bad thing, but for this particular situation, it's bad, because I do want to get out of here. Because of that, I keep saying to myself 'PROVE IT', and yet still, I'm not proving anything. It makes me think that something inside of me doesn't want it as bad as I thought.... but how can that be true if all of this moves me to tears? If I can feel it in my heart, then I do want it.

My personal declaration: I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for love. That in itself should keep me going for a very long time. And I won't take no for an answer.

I've recently realized that I need to come up with a back-up plan in case things don't go the way I wanted them to with UC Berkeley or UCLA. But what? I need to come up with such a solid reason.

..Hmm...... off to thinking. I'll write again either when I'm pissed, bored, or really happy. Till then, peace easy.

--V

Get Me Out of Here.

I'm so tired of everyone always telling me I can't.
I' so sick of hearing that I can't handle it.

You all always tell me the way my life should be run,
yet here i am trying to make my own choices, for me, for my life.

i want to, need to, get out of here.
please, someone, take me away.
please, someone, don't make me stay.

if there is anything i can't handle anymore, it is all of you who constantly put me down, who push me and pull me, make me drown. these five million tears that have run down my cheeks, past my nose and onto my lips, that salt i taste is because of you. the pain i feel is because of you. after one more year, i won;t put up with any of you lying hypocrites, and when i've got it good, i'll make sure you hear of it. you'll see that i' better, than you and your lies. you'll see that i'm smarter than you had perceived.

i try so hard to just forget about it, just put it behind me, but so many times, i am betrayed and these things follow me.

can no one see that i'm screaming inside?

i'm so done with listening to all of you who call me weak. i am not weak. i am not weak. you keep telling me i need to be stronger, how much stronger do you want me to be??
yu all expect me to carry the weight of all of the people that surround me. you expect me to hold the world on my shoulders like i'm superman, and when i try, it isn;t good enough. i'm never good enough.

holding those bodies on top of my skin makes me split into twenty different pieces. what do you all want from me? what do you all want for me?

you push me to let out my feelings, yet you won;t allow me to spill out my problems to my friends, and you expect me to keep sane, when all that has happened in this past year of my life has consisted of nothing but straight up pain. how can you want me to stay happy, smiling, when all that surrounds me has been agony from the start?


i'm doing this for me, not for you, so don;t feel flattered and think you made a difference. when i'm at the top with the rest of the big dogs, you'll be the ones looking up, i'll make sure you applaud. i'll be looking down on you, but i won;t say a word, because unlike you, i'm not selfishly unnerved. i'll smile at you simply and say 'look where i am now.' i'll see where you're standing, i'll see you frown.

'you need to get focused.' 'you're so stupid.' 'get on top of your work' 'forget your friends, you need to detach yourself from them.'

fuck you all. i won;t let you have it your way. fuck you for trying to control me. i hate each one of you that pulls me down. i won;t hear i'm not strong, go tell it to someone who's weak enough to let it sink in. once i'm done with this, i'll be so far away. try and stop me, i'll pick up and run. don;t say i didn't warn you, i've told you time and time again. you tell me i can't, i know i can.

--V