So.... I have a blog that any teenager could relate to for once. It is mostly just going to consist of useless information, but, who cares. This is a blog, which, I'm pretty sure, almost no one reads but me. haha.
Last night, I had a chorus concert that went really well. I was apparently viewed as a 'star' from the audiences perspective because I was involved in so many of the performances. I did a trio with two friends of mine to the song "No One" by Alicia Keys, and the entire audience got into it at the end with all of the 'oh's'. haha. I had a lot of fun, but I was definitely nervous. Like always.
And today, one of the boys in chorus told me that he has loved me since the 6th grade.
.........
That... was a new experience. I'm not so sure I've enjoyed this new experience, because I have no idea what I'm going to do or say. And since this boy and I aren't really close, I'm pretty sure he has no idea what he is talking about. He knows nothing about me, and I know nothing about him, so I'm thinking that he is in lust, not love. Also, I definitely do not love him and I am not in love with him.
I don't get how people can just throw around the word love so easily. Not the "Omg, I love youu!!!" but to actually say I love you or I'm in love with you or something. It makes me want to slap someone and call them an ignorant ignoramus. I have to say, I actually have come to find that I find it very unattractive for someone to say it so.... nonchalantly. To say it really bitterly, it's almost sickening.
Um.... yeah. That's all for now.
--V
Saturday, March 29, 2008
March 9th 2008
Here's some thoughts from a few weeks ago that I had saved to an e-mail draft instead of posting as a blog. lol.
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So... all day today, I've been putting in some hard thought to my future, and what I want to do. As I already know, I want to major in astrophysics, so I've been doing research on that and reading on it for a big chunk of the day. I have to say, I'm pretty freakin' intimidated by it, but, regardless, I still want to study it. Everything I've read so far keeps saying that there is a lot of math involved with this major, and so, that worries me. I don;t want to be one of those people who drop out of their majors because it's too hard or they don't understand. Because I know that the math will be difficult and challenging, I've been thinking a few things. One, I should go back and relearn ALL of my basic math skills, and work through them until I really understand, because not only will that help me with the remainder of high school, but later on with college and with life. The other thing I was thinking was about if [hopefully and mostly, yes] I major in this field, and if I have trouble with the math, I can always contact people I know who have experience with some of the stuff and whatnot. So far, I have thought of a few people; Shishir Kaka, Mike DiChiaro, Mrs. Bertram, and of course, Ronak, and also, Binal. Two of the five work for NASA, one is an excellent math teacher, one is taking a physics course, and the other, well, he is just damn smart and picks up anything in five seconds because he loves math. haha.
As I was reading various articles on astrophysics, I was reading the advice that current students of the major were giving. They said that one of the key things you needed to succeed in this major was a love of astronomy. You had to love and be able to just sit there looking at the sky for hours even if you didn't see anything. This, I have. I am fascinated by all of the theories that surround space, by the theories of dimensions, by stars, galaxies and black holes. I absolutely love looking at ANY picture of space, I love staring at the stars, I love wondering how it all started, what it is made of, where it came from. I do believe that this sole passion is enough to get me through the hard times, and because of that, I don't want to flake out. I don't want to run away in fear of things that seem intimidating, I want to follow through and work through it all.
Do you think I can do it?
------
-V
------
So... all day today, I've been putting in some hard thought to my future, and what I want to do. As I already know, I want to major in astrophysics, so I've been doing research on that and reading on it for a big chunk of the day. I have to say, I'm pretty freakin' intimidated by it, but, regardless, I still want to study it. Everything I've read so far keeps saying that there is a lot of math involved with this major, and so, that worries me. I don;t want to be one of those people who drop out of their majors because it's too hard or they don't understand. Because I know that the math will be difficult and challenging, I've been thinking a few things. One, I should go back and relearn ALL of my basic math skills, and work through them until I really understand, because not only will that help me with the remainder of high school, but later on with college and with life. The other thing I was thinking was about if [hopefully and mostly, yes] I major in this field, and if I have trouble with the math, I can always contact people I know who have experience with some of the stuff and whatnot. So far, I have thought of a few people; Shishir Kaka, Mike DiChiaro, Mrs. Bertram, and of course, Ronak, and also, Binal. Two of the five work for NASA, one is an excellent math teacher, one is taking a physics course, and the other, well, he is just damn smart and picks up anything in five seconds because he loves math. haha.
As I was reading various articles on astrophysics, I was reading the advice that current students of the major were giving. They said that one of the key things you needed to succeed in this major was a love of astronomy. You had to love and be able to just sit there looking at the sky for hours even if you didn't see anything. This, I have. I am fascinated by all of the theories that surround space, by the theories of dimensions, by stars, galaxies and black holes. I absolutely love looking at ANY picture of space, I love staring at the stars, I love wondering how it all started, what it is made of, where it came from. I do believe that this sole passion is enough to get me through the hard times, and because of that, I don't want to flake out. I don't want to run away in fear of things that seem intimidating, I want to follow through and work through it all.
Do you think I can do it?
------
-V
Saturday, March 22, 2008
You don't think I am serious.
So, I love how my parents don't think I'm serious about California. They don't seem to understand that I do not possess even the smallest, most thin strand of sarcasm in my words when I say that that is where I am going to go for college. I don't care if they don't give me any money, I will take out student loans and save what I can for other expenses. I will get a damn job if I have to and I will study my fucking ass off. I do not care if it sounds impossible, I will do it.
The other funny thing is that my mom keeps saying "we [speaking for the three of us; herself, my dad, and I] don't want to send you that far or have you study that far away from home." When she said that earlier today, I pointed out that she was saying that because they want to be able to visit me and she said yes. Then I said that going to college was not about visiting and pow-wowing with my freaking family, it was about getting a good education and a setting up a solid career. I was like "I understand that it is important and relevant to see your family every once in a while, but that is not the point of college. You guys need to learn to let go of your children when you need to. I can live with seeing you guys just 4 or 5 times a year." And thens he was talking about how it would be easier to see me if I went to school in Boston or PA or something, and I said no, because it would ony be a matter of a few hours more to come see me in California. And then we got onto the point of finances for college. She pointed out that in the end, money didn't matter whether I went to school on the northern east coast or wet coast, because they ended up equaling each other. The tuition is more in PA or Boston, and tickets are cheaper, whereas the tuition is less in CA but the tickets are more, and I said that that didn't matter, because if I went to school in CA and got the job I wanted under NASA, then all of that money would come back to her and my dad in the end. She also said that them not wanting me to go to CA had nothing to do with money, and I said that she was wrong because my dad still uses that as a reason.
I don't understand why they cannot let me live and lead my own life when they have already lived and lead theirs. I told my dad the other day that he cannot be the puppaterr of my life afer high school, and that he could just try to control it and me, and he goes "I will. Haha. Watch me, I will." And I just sat there and looked at him and gave a sardonic laugh. I can't understand why they can't grasp that this is not about what THEY want, it's about ME, and MY LIFE. If that sounds selfish, then I honestly don't fucking care, and if they think that this is about what they want, then that is TOO FUCKING BAD. They really think that I won't up-and-out if they try to tell me that I will not school in California if I get accepted. I swear to every god of every religion, the only thing holding me back is the factor of money. I don't have money, therefore, I am unable to just leave. I don't need my phone, and I only a car to get me to some other car. I know how to hot wire most common cars like Toyotas, Hondas, and Dodges. That has more to do with running away than just leaving though. If I had some cash though, then I would just walk out of the front door and not look back for years. I can live without talking to my fucking asshole family for a while. Trust me, it wouldn't be all too hard. Yes, I am aware that that sounds excessively bitter and naive, but after a number of years of being ignored, not taken seriously, over-protected, controlled, and of having nobody care about what the hell you want, it is seriously NOT hard to not want to talk to your family for a really long time.
I was just thinking the other day; if my parents really don't give me money for tuition for going to school in CA, then that will make me want to work even harder and succeed. And when I do succeed greatly, and when I do own nice cars and a nice house with a good family and whatnot, I will call my father and tell him "Well, gee, look where I am now. And I got here without your help. I did this all on my own from the day I left to now. And you used to tell me that I would never get past anything but a fucking Community College." Well, fuck you, is basically how I feel.
Lately, I have been wishing and thinking that right now would be a prime time to be able to go back to being 5 years old, when I could just scream "I HATE YOU" and turn away without looking back for the rest of the night.
I'm not done with this post, but I'm getting sleepy, so, this is all for now.
Whatever...
--V.
The other funny thing is that my mom keeps saying "we [speaking for the three of us; herself, my dad, and I] don't want to send you that far or have you study that far away from home." When she said that earlier today, I pointed out that she was saying that because they want to be able to visit me and she said yes. Then I said that going to college was not about visiting and pow-wowing with my freaking family, it was about getting a good education and a setting up a solid career. I was like "I understand that it is important and relevant to see your family every once in a while, but that is not the point of college. You guys need to learn to let go of your children when you need to. I can live with seeing you guys just 4 or 5 times a year." And thens he was talking about how it would be easier to see me if I went to school in Boston or PA or something, and I said no, because it would ony be a matter of a few hours more to come see me in California. And then we got onto the point of finances for college. She pointed out that in the end, money didn't matter whether I went to school on the northern east coast or wet coast, because they ended up equaling each other. The tuition is more in PA or Boston, and tickets are cheaper, whereas the tuition is less in CA but the tickets are more, and I said that that didn't matter, because if I went to school in CA and got the job I wanted under NASA, then all of that money would come back to her and my dad in the end. She also said that them not wanting me to go to CA had nothing to do with money, and I said that she was wrong because my dad still uses that as a reason.
I don't understand why they cannot let me live and lead my own life when they have already lived and lead theirs. I told my dad the other day that he cannot be the puppaterr of my life afer high school, and that he could just try to control it and me, and he goes "I will. Haha. Watch me, I will." And I just sat there and looked at him and gave a sardonic laugh. I can't understand why they can't grasp that this is not about what THEY want, it's about ME, and MY LIFE. If that sounds selfish, then I honestly don't fucking care, and if they think that this is about what they want, then that is TOO FUCKING BAD. They really think that I won't up-and-out if they try to tell me that I will not school in California if I get accepted. I swear to every god of every religion, the only thing holding me back is the factor of money. I don't have money, therefore, I am unable to just leave. I don't need my phone, and I only a car to get me to some other car. I know how to hot wire most common cars like Toyotas, Hondas, and Dodges. That has more to do with running away than just leaving though. If I had some cash though, then I would just walk out of the front door and not look back for years. I can live without talking to my fucking asshole family for a while. Trust me, it wouldn't be all too hard. Yes, I am aware that that sounds excessively bitter and naive, but after a number of years of being ignored, not taken seriously, over-protected, controlled, and of having nobody care about what the hell you want, it is seriously NOT hard to not want to talk to your family for a really long time.
I was just thinking the other day; if my parents really don't give me money for tuition for going to school in CA, then that will make me want to work even harder and succeed. And when I do succeed greatly, and when I do own nice cars and a nice house with a good family and whatnot, I will call my father and tell him "Well, gee, look where I am now. And I got here without your help. I did this all on my own from the day I left to now. And you used to tell me that I would never get past anything but a fucking Community College." Well, fuck you, is basically how I feel.
Lately, I have been wishing and thinking that right now would be a prime time to be able to go back to being 5 years old, when I could just scream "I HATE YOU" and turn away without looking back for the rest of the night.
I'm not done with this post, but I'm getting sleepy, so, this is all for now.
Whatever...
--V.
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